you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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