he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
