shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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