you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
