When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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