I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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