you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
