I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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