I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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