Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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