i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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