I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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