I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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