I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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