she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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