my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
sex in a hospital.. check
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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