I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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