I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
