Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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