I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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