Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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