my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
