I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
