Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
