I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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