I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
