All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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