i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
