I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
