the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You dont lie about slip and slides
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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