Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
