My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
it was like eating out sand paper
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize