he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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