I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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