If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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