im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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