I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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