theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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