I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
