His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
