you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
