Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Randomize
