FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
