you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
