Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
oh god was she eating orange peels again
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
