I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
