I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
