Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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