I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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