just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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