i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
P.S. I can't hear my feet
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
