it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
