Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
