I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
