hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
