don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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