i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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