you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
