I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize