there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
