What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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