remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
