Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
