Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
